What would happen if I had an advice column

There really doesn’t need to be a lot of explaining so lets just go and see what my “advice” column would look like:

Q: I recently found out I have herpes and didn’t tell my boyfriend. What should I do?

A: Clearly get a more classy STD like gonorrhea. Ask any 1920’s hooker. They all have it and they are CLASSY. Or you could wait until you are going to break up and then then he gets it tell everyone he was cheating.

Q: My father just died and I recently inherited a good sum (500K) of money. What should I invest in?

A: You have a few options, first of which is give it all to me and if I get rich I’ll return double. If not that sucks for you. Second option is to buy a shit load of potato chips. Just hang with me for a second please. You take all the big chips and eat them and throw away the little chips. Now you know what it feels like to be rich. The reason that don’t give them to poor people is a 2 parts. First of all then they think that they will get everything for free. The second part is that it could possible destabilize the potato chip market and no one wants that. Thirdly, buy a lotto ticket everyday, you are bound to win. Lastly, help some Nigerian trying to smuggle in money.

Q: We are concerned about out child’s weight (145 lb and age 10). We don’t know what to do. Can you help?

A: Sure I can. First off, it’s not his weight that’s the problem it’s your look on life. You need to tap the little tapped marked of American Sumo wrestlers. Just keep up what you are doing and maybe exacerbate it more. Instead of him playing halo make him play WoW for at least 8 hours a day. Also make sure he always get the largest size when you eat at fast food (which should be 5 times a day, 1 more time than normal). Also make sure that he doesn’t have to do anything physical in school. I mean they don’t make stupid people take hard classes do they? By the time hes 20 he should be at least 400lbs. Have a good day.

Q: Have you seen Sicko?

A: That’s not asking for advice but I’ll give you some anyway. Go to Canada and shoot yourself in the face. When your life is on the line money is an after thought.

Q: Who shuld i vote 4, Obama or HillDog? i mean they r both g00d LOLZ. Obama iz c00l guy of teh peeps and wants 2 help every1. pls he will b the 1 blk presedent. and hillary was bills wife so she must kno stuff and what not. aslo shes a woman.

A: Neither, but you can help me out. Shoot yourself too. We can compare who got better care and who lived. If you are dumb enough to blindly vote for those people and anyone else that is mainstream media hyped (Rudy, McCain, Edwards, etc) with out checking the facts and what they stand for you don’t deserve to vote. But if you do vote, write in Jay Bundy.

Ok, that was fun. If you have any read questions, just comment and I’ll make a post answering all of them in August or September.


~ by deadfool on July 11, 2007.

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